Building better conversations around the holidays
The holiday season is upon us, and it can mean many different things for people. There is the comfort of being home, the familiarity of old friends and family, and the feeling of slipping back into once-known routines. Being away at college means we spend most of our time around people who often think as we do, so going home can bring us into conversations with people who see the world differently. Older relatives carry their own stories, and friends from home may have taken different paths. All of these differences come together at the same table.
These holiday conversations can feel challenging because of that mix. We often slip back into familiar roles, even though we’ve grown and changed while being away. Big topics, such as politics, identity, or what’s happening on campus, surface quickly. When people bring their emotions and values into the discussion, not just their opinions, disagreements can start to feel personal even when they aren’t intended to be.
Even with the challenges, these conversations can become meaningful opportunities for connection when we approach them with curiosity and care. They can help us learn more about the people we love and allow us to share our own perspective respectfully.
Having better conversations does not mean avoiding disagreements. It means approaching them with skills that help you understand the other person and share your own view respectfully. These principles can make holiday conversations feel less stressful and more constructive. Follow some of these tips while navigating your discussions!
Listen to understand
Active listening sets the tone. When you focus on what someone is actually saying instead of preparing your next point, the conversation becomes calmer. You can show this by paraphrasing to check your understanding or by asking a follow-up question that comes from genuine interest. Paying attention to your tone, body language, and eye contact also matters because it signals that you care about the conversation.
Stay curious
Curiosity helps shift the conversation away from arguing and toward learning. Asking questions invites people to share the story behind their view.
Try questions like:
Curious questions make space for people to explain what shaped their thinking. They also take pressure off both sides!
- How do you see things?
- I had not thought of it that way. Can you tell me more?
- What worries you most about this?
- Has this issue ever affected you personally?
- Have your views changed over time?
Bridge the Generational Gap
The holidays provide an opportunity for us to learn across generations. Older relatives carry stories and memories that shape how they see the world, while younger family members bring ideas shaped by their life and current conversations. These differences can create tension, but they can also open the door to understanding when both sides stay curious.
One way to build that understanding is to look for shared values. Even if you disagree on a specific issue, you may both care about fairness, safety or community and naming these points of connection can lower tension and make the conversation feel less like a debate. Another helpful approach is sharing your own story. People connect more to experiences than arguments and explaining what shaped your perspective, whether it was a class discussion, something you read or an experience on campus, makes the conversation feel more human and grounded.
Manage Tense Moments
Holiday conversations can still become tense, even when everyone is trying their best. Managing those moments with care helps protect both the relationship and the conversation.
Respond rather than react
When a conversation starts to feel heavy, slowing down before you answer can make the moment feel less overwhelming. Even a short pause helps you respond with a clearer head. Curiosity also steadies things because it shifts your focus toward understanding rather than defending. Reminding yourself that most people speak from their own experiences, not to upset you, can soften the tension on both sides.
Know when to step away
Sometimes the most thoughtful choice is taking a break. Stepping back or changing the subject can help prevent a tense moment from escalating. Setting boundaries is not avoiding the conversation. It is giving everyone space to come back to it more grounded and more ready to listen.
Even when holiday conversations feel tense, they can still open up space for understanding if we approach them with patience and curiosity. Listening carefully, asking honest questions and giving people room to share their stories can shift a difficult moment into a productive one. These kinds of conversations do not matter only at home; they also shape how we engage with classmates, friends, and anyone we meet who sees things differently.
The Civil Dialogue Project offers tools that help make these conversations easier and more grounded, no matter the setting. If you want to keep practicing conversation skills or learn how to approach tough topics with more confidence, keep an eye out for their dialogue workshops and events this spring!
Eliza Kacic is a Storytelling and Communications Assistant and a senior studying PPL with a concentration in Global Affairs and International Law. She is interested in pursuing a career in law.
Have questions, comments or concerns about the blog? Email us at social@binghamton.edu.